It was a super full moon and lunar eclipse 27th September 2015 when Fenrir the great black wolf made himself known to me. The very vivid and lucid dream journey I experienced follows:
The evening train pulled into the station and people began to disembark through the smug to hurry about their business. I had just arrived in this new yet familiar place carrying nothing more with me than fit in my patchwork leather rucksack.
When you arrive somewhere new and have no place in mind to go, at least part of the adventure is to follow your feet, see what you find and what finds you and on this occasion from the station my feet followed the river. The water and surrounding buildings took on the grey hues of the drizzly weather with the pieces of colour on coats and umbrellas looking out of place among the gloom. With the weather on my mind and my tummy growling, I headed across a square and down a few streets before ducking through a smoker’s cloud into a dusky bar with a dark wood and leather interior.
The wet had made my dark hair gathered in a loose bun fall in frizzy, curly wisps around my face as I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror I could see that it provided a stark contrast to my pale skin. The bars aromas assaulted my nostrils with smells of sweat and alcohol mixed with sweet, musky scents of perfumes and body sprays. At the far end a band was setting up on the stage preparing for the night ahead as I went to the bar placed an order for chips and a house ale before taking a table pulling off my wet leather jacket and pulling my sketch pad out of my rucksack. I sat back with my legs resting on the chair opposite and started to sketch when I smelt it, a faint scent that raised my head to look around and find its source. Within seconds my eyes found his and I felt like I was falling.
He was standing with the band doing sound checks his dark shoulder length hair framing his face, he was tall, wearing jeans and a tee tight enough to hint at the promise of muscle beneath but it was his eyes that held me staring back as the room, milling people and bar noise faded away forgotten. A guy holding a guitar slapped him on the shoulder and I heard a cough and in some distant place my memory kicked in as the waitress once again asked if there was anything else I wanted. “no, that’s everything thanks” I answered as I looked down at my meal with the feeling of waking from a daze.
The band started playing just as I finished my meal and the crowd of people increased to a mass of sweating bodies dancing in front of the stage and rocking out to the metal tunes the band played. They were good but the whole time I felt the eyes of the dark haired singer searching the crowd in the direction I was sitting. Every lyric and note pierced in my direction like he was singing to me of the moon and freedom that only the wild knew. His stature made a physical and dynamic presence on stage. He carried himself with a bold confidence that rivaled his vocal cords for power.
I lifted my sketch book and started to draw the line of his jaw, deep set eyes, hair that swished around his face sticking to his sweating skin as he moved and lips that sang only to me with a powerful yet lilting voice that invigorated and soothed like a balm. Time held little meaning to me as if it was frozen in this moment and I finished my sketch just before they completed their set, bowed and headed off stage. I watched him jump from the stage and start to approach moving through the crowd as they scrambled to talk to him, to touch the singer, clap his back and party but his eyes searched for mine like the hunter he was; I grabbed my bag and fled.
The cool breeze hit me as I left the bar cleansing my nostrils of the stench of sweat and alcohol and clearing my mind. The rain had stopped but the ground was still wet. I pulled my jacket back on swung my rucksack over my shoulder and headed down the street into the evening darkness. I turned down a side alley at the back of the bar just as black double fire doors swung open on my right and a tumble of three bodies got thrown through them in a mix of punching, kicks and abusive shouting. I took a step back as the ruckus became aware I was there and bumped into him. I felt his hands on my shoulders, the wall of muscle that was his abdomen at my back. I could feel the rise and fall of his chest the gentleness of his breath tickling the back of my neck; his left hand came down my arm and brushed across my lower back as he stepped to my side and then walked past me as the bodies began scrambling to stand. The three scrambling bodies of teenage youths too young to be legally allowed in bars and lacking the wit not to try. His hand came up running through his dark hair before he grabbed one fair haired boy by the shoulder giving him a good shove down the alley. “We just wanted to watch the show Fen” said one of the youths with brown hair cut respectably short as he backed down heading out of the alley.
“Yeah, we weren’t doing any harm” chipped in the fair haired youth following his friend.
A deep growl sounded in Fen’s throat chastising the whelps as he grabbed the third youth still trying to get up by the shoulder and lifted him into the air before throwing him a few feet further down towards the end of the alley. He followed the youths reaching the corner he stopped to look back at me his dark eyes travelling up and down my curves before nodding up at the dark mountain peaks that rose above the city skyline then disappeared into the darkness… an invite.
*
My silent wolf pads walked over the grass following the scents and smells of the mountain. Dogs that had been on walks, foxes and badgers as well as smaller creatures leaving trails as they went on their way. Birds slept in their nests high in trees with only the odd hoot or screech of a bat breaking the silent sky’s. The moon was high and bright over head a stark difference to the grey clouds rain clouds of earlier.
I don’t know what brought me to the wooded foot of the mountain but every time I closed my eyes I saw him. He was a stranger yet I felt like I knew him and more I felt like he knew me far better than I knew myself. I felt connected to him, connected on a level I never knew existed nor in my wildest dreams imagined. I felt like part of me was missing, a part I didn’t even know was missing till that moment. I had looked into the depths of a strangers eyes and through that window met not only his soul but my own and realised in that instant my life would never be the same. It was infuriating, it was corny, and stupid as much as it was undeniable.
Perhaps it was that perhaps not but here I was having stashed my rucksack and clothes up a tree, transformed and followed the scents high into the mountain. I could hear them, a pack large enough for me to be wary about approaching. I had caught their scent, caught the scent of the three youths but not his. I had circled back and tried a different path staying down wind and searching for his scent but nothing.
I followed the current scent to a clearing at the edge of the packs location. Four wolves where at the centre of the clearing they had been on a hunt and where enjoying the spoils of a goat.
The direction of the wind changed, the ears of the wolves in the clearing perked up and their noses twitched as they picked up on the hints of my scent drifting to them on the breeze. I stepped forward from the dense cover of the tree line and bush thickets my head down, the hairs on my back slightly prickled and my tail in a neutral stance. A dark grey male wolf with lighter marking around his muzzle and a black stripe running up from his noise to between his amber eyes occupied the dominant position over the kill but he lacked the stance of an alpha. He raised his head as he left the carcass and began to approach. He was most likely a beta in the pack his role to ensure the safety of the pack by maintaining its hierarchy. Either he would accept me as a friend or try to attack and drive me away and near a kill was probably the worse place possible for introductions as passions ran high with food after a hunt and any stranger would be seen as a threat. To show aggression on initial contact was asking for a fight but to show submission would also show weakness. I lifted my head showing dominance and confidence but not aggression as he circled me. The other wolves stopped eating but made no move to come closer, their posture remaining neutral as they watched curiously to see what would happen. The grey wolf’s lips pulled back revealing his teeth an act of domination and I responded in kind my lips curling back to show the white of my fangs, my ears flattened back and a low growl sounded a warning in my throat. The grey wolfs posture soften his lips covered his fangs once more and he approached sniffing round my mouth in cautious greeting, his nose twitching as he took in the new scents and information they brought. From my scent alone he would be able to tell what I had eaten for dinner earlier, he would smell the people and scents of the bar as well as the train. Likewise I could smell the fresh blood of the carcass and stomach he had just eaten, of ale, hints of oil, grease and motor fumes and of him and hints of the musky warm scent of my quarry who had captured my attention and brought me here. Suddenly he cowered his tail and his head lowered as he started to back away; I turned to looked at the large form of a wolf approaching like a cloud of darkness from downwind. He was large and muscular with small amounts of grey fur contrasting and highlighting the markings of his otherwise black pelt. He looked like a shadow shifting as he walked with a confidence that could only be an alpha and even with the wind against me I recognised him in wolf form and felt his presence call to me like it had across the bar. If he choose to attack me I would not survive the onslaught and yet my posture held firm and confident as I refused to back down and whimper at him in subjugation. I did not, could not fear him instinct would not allow it rather I raised my tail high and wagged it slowly in a move of excited friendly greeting. His nose met mine as his own high set tail wagged and the scent of scotch, lemon from oiled guitar stings, rich tobacco smoke, machine oil and leather told the story of his last few hours and the sweet scent of musk with hints of sandalwood that I recognised as his scent hit me like euphoria. The black of his lips parted as he opened his mouth and placed his jaws around my throat but his teeth remained covered and the grip whilst firm was one of reassurance; the ultimate sign that I could trust him and of his acceptance. He released my throat and rubbed his head along me and down my side in a gesture of warmth and affection. The smell of his fur filled my nostrils and his voice broke into my mind. “Hunt with me” it was a question not a command yet it carried a confidence that I could neither deny or turn down. I could sense the emotion of longing in him and the same undeniable connection I felt to him reciprocated but were I felt fear at how quick and impossible this was he was confident and sure. His head lifted and nose twitch catching the scents on the air. There were deer in the area I had caught their scent earlier but hunting had been far from my mind at the time now with him leading it preoccupied my thoughts. I wanted to run with him to hunt with him and I could sense his eagerness. My ears pricked listening to the noises of the forest as I lowered my head and followed him silently between the trees after the scent of the deer the hunt was on.
*
His left hand cradled my breast as his right hand ran down over the ridges on my naked spine. The warmth of his breath caressed my skin as he kissed his way down my neck and breast bone. My body melted into his and a feeling of warmth spread throughout it. My knees felt weak as his lips found the perked tissue of my nipples. My nails pressed into the muscles of his shoulders and back and I felt his body shudder in pleasure. His strong arm curled round my waist and pulled me down closer, turning my back to him before slipping down to the warmth between my now kneeling thighs. My head rolled back against his shoulder feelings of a warm trembling spreading throughout my body and my hands hung down by my sides gripping his thighs as a growl of pleasure escaped my mouth. His hands moved up my stomach to the curve of my hips, he nipped and nibble at my neck and shoulders with his teeth before pushed me forward onto all fours. I felt my body call to his as I turned and grabbed him pulling him towards me. His lips met mine the taste of fresh deer and metallic smell of blood still clinging to his breath aroused my senses reminding me of the joy of our hunt and fresh kill. His hand gripped the back of my neck as he lowered on top of me and my legs curled round his hips as his girth entered me. With each thrust I felt our minds mingle and merge joining us together emotionally as wells as physically. I could hear his breaths, heart beat and the blood rushing through his veins. I could feel ripples of pleasure crash through my body and sweating muscles. I push him and we rolled our body’s intertwined till I straddled on top of him my hips moving to the joint beat of our hearts lost in wild passion and pleasure. Time held no meaning him and pleasure where all that existed.
I awoke as the new light of dawn graced the heavens above the clean fresh scent of dew on the grass mixed with his scent and that of sex sent my nostrils twitching. Birds where just starting to rise from sleeping nests ready to sing their song to the medley of the dawn chorus. My head rested on a warm and muscular shoulder, my legs intertwined with his, one of his arms was wrapped around me as the fingers of the other played in the messy curls of my hair. He pulled out the damp ringlets that cascaded down my shoulders only for them to defy him and bounce back. “Morning, my bitch” the soft lilt of his voice whispered in my ear and I realised those where actually the first words he had spoken to me. I pushed myself up on one arm to look at him, his lips were parted in a joking smile “Your bitch?” I asked as a smile spread on my face “that the best you can say?”.
His hand which had been resting on my shoulder moved to caress my cheek “My pack will consider us married,” he stated “the smell of us, the noise, they will know we have mated. I can’t hide this from them but I won’t hold you to it if it’s not want you want”. My head lowered; this had never crossed my mind as a possibility, yesterday had been a normal day like any other filled with monotony till I saw him.
“It’s your choice.” he said softly as he raised my chin to look at him, “I’m alpha that makes you an alpha female and there are dangers in it”.
“What will happen?” I asked.
“you will be challenged and will have to prove yourself but don’t worry I will help you learn” he answered “we are in this together now”.
He spoke like I had a choice and I believed him, I could leave and I knew he wouldn’t stop me but at the same time he spoke of us as if I had made that choice already and I guess I had. The truth was I couldn’t deny our connection any more that it seemed he could but neither did I understand it at least not in the same confident way he seemed to. He raised himself up, lent in a kissed me slower and more carefully than the wild passion of the night before but filled with affection. “What’s your name” I asked with a chuckle realising how socially unacceptable this would be to everyone else “Fenrir” he answered with a smile.
Moo-ther Earth 